7 Hilariously Failed Attempts at Politically Correct Toys

Sometime in the 1970s, toy makers realized that not all the children of the world are rich, healthy, white Americans. Eager to get their hands on some non-white dollars, they got busy redecorating their dolls with new ethnicities, diseases and unwanted teen pregnancies.

And really, who better to handle sensitive racial and social issues than toy makers? As it turns out, just about anyone.

#7. Happy Family Pregnant Midge

Wanting to stay vigilant at the forefront of producing children’s toys that make everyone horribly uncomfortable, Mattel identified three universal truths about little girls:

1. They love dolls.
2. They value – no, cherish – no, get high on the institution of marriage.
3. They love uncapping pregnant bellies to get sneak peeks at unborn fetuses.

Using this wisdom as a blueprint, Mattel conceived (get it?!) Happy Family Pregnant Midge and Baby (her original name "Unwed Janet and Bellysack Full Of Jason the Blockbuster Clerk" was deemed too controversial).

So What’s the Problem?

The pretty picture of wholesomeness starts unraveling the minute you lift up Midge’s dress, which every single one of us would do within two seconds so there’s no point in denying it.

She looks pretty much the same as our moms did, minus the tattooed stretch marks and appendix scars. Things don’t get offensive until the kids want to play C-section with Midge, which by the way they totally fucking can. Her baby gut is magnetic, so snap that son of a bitch off and boom, it’s upside-down fetus time.

Whip that placenta-less baby out and it’s ready to play dress up, but don’t forget to snap Midge’s skinny belly back on or else Daddy will have to beat the pretty back into her.

The quickest way to tight abs? Child birth, apparently.

Shockingly, Knocked-Up Midge and her creepy ass baby were scrapped shortly after their launch.

#6. Chinese New Year Barbie and Amazonia Barbie

Much like Madonna, Barbie is super great at bastardizing other people’s heritages in the sexiest, most gap-toothed way possible, and Mattel decided she needed to give the ladies of China and the Amazon a makeover. Check out the picture above; the Chinese is practically radiating from her body.

Meanwhile, Barbie’s visit to the southern hemisphere yielded similar results in the form of a doll that doesn’t look a thing like Megan Fox.

Clearly modeled on actual people living near an actual river called the Amazon.

Mattel captures the spirit of both of these mighty nations flawlessly, from the feathers atop Amazonian Barbie’s sleek, gleaming hair and the tribal tattoos on her pasty white thighs to the distinctly European facial features of Chinese Barbie, these dolls scream EFFORT from the get-go.

 

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7 Hilariously Failed Attempts at Politically Correct Toys

#3.Pink Ribbon Barbie In 2006, Mattel (again) had the nutty idea that they should honor breast cancer fighters/survivors with a special Pink Ribbon Barbie and donate a percentage of the profits to the Susan G. Komen Foundation, which is so noble that 17 bald eagles exploded when you read that sentence. So What’s the Problem? Imagine creating a doll whose sole purpose was to honor people born with flipper arms, but instead of crafting actual flipper arms for your doll you give her the most beautiful arms mankind had ever seen and a withering, condescending smile to beam back at the mutated horror-children she is meant to honor. This Barbie is kind of like that. Mattel’s approximation of someone with cancer. Women battling breast cancer frequently lose their hair from chemotherapy and, in extreme cases, end up having one or both breasts removed as a last ditch effort to save themselves from the disease. So "honoring" survivors with a fully coiffed pink princess and two gigantic, perfect boobs, who’s on her way to the Healthy Lady Ball didn’t quite sit well with a few people. What makes this more confusing is the fact that the creator of Barbie, Ruth Handler, was a breast cancer survivor herself. So why was Mattel–who had the nerve to mass produce a doll with a fetus inside of it–too squeamish to make a toy actually depicting the symptoms suffered by the very woman who created it? Oh right, because nobody would’ve fucking bought it. #2. Preemie Cabbage Patch Dolls Following the phenomenal success of the Cabbage Patch Kids, Coleco chose to expand the doll line in a new direction, wisely targeting the whimsical joys of life-threatening premature births. The Cabbage Patch Preemie dolls featured smaller bodies than their full-term counterparts, tiny diapers and baldish heads that smelled like they’d been rolled around in baby powder for seven hours. del.icio.us Tags: Hilariously,Failed,Attempts Politically,Correct,Toys   Read More: VVV